You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
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most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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