If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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