Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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