Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
