can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
