I just threw up on my dentist
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
