I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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