This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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