I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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