how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
