my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
