I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
