put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
