My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
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Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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