Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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