Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
