He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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