I'm passing your future prison.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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