so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
