oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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