you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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