a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
