Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
