i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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