Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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