Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
