when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize