I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
