pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
