I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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