I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
