Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
