so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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