I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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