We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
