Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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