In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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