I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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