I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
