I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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