with your own penis?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
