i wish my penis had a tongue
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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