John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
