2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
