Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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