hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.