Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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