i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
