There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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