MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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