you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
