She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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