Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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