Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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