You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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