you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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