if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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