she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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