dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
