just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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