so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
