I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
did i walk over a car last night?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
