I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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