Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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