Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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