Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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