My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
