I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
