i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
